Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Let's Be Real

Hello there.
How have you been?
It has been a long time since I last blogged, and I might say in my defence, for good reasons.
But they are my own, so you'll just to trust me on this one.
One reason, I will share with you, truthfully.
Sometimes I just feel it doesn't matter.
My words, my feelings, my blogging.
What does it amount to?
Hours of my life spent in front of a computer screen wearing my eyes out....
and for what reason?
We all of us, sooner or later, have to examine the reasons behind our actions.
And sometimes those reasons lead to further questions, which may lead
to some unsettling answers and ultimately, point out something buried deep
that we may not have know lurked in our heart.
I'm gonna peal back the mask for a moment, not because I want you to feel sorry for me,
or even understand me,
but because we need more real people in this world.
I know I do.
So here goes.
I stopped blogging (in part) because I was discouraged.
Because is seemed none of it mattered, it wasn't making a difference.
What made you think that?
I have two followers and only a handful of readers.
Which means...?
 I'm wasting my time, I'm must not be a very good writer if people won't read it.
Why does it matter if people read it?
Because I want them to.
And why is that?
So I feel like I'm a good writer, like I'm appreciated.
In other words, you write for attention?
NO. No, I'm not like that! You know me, I grew up the shy wallflower, I don't clamor for attention!
I want others to accept me. To like me.
You have real, present people in your life that accept you, love you.
That's not enough.
Because- because what if they are wrong? What if they are just being nice?
What makes you think that, why do you doubt others love and acceptance of you?
And this is where the truth hit me, it came flying at me like a rock hurled to the head.
But instead of knocking me blind, it cleared my sight so I could see the real issue.
Because...because I don't like myself. I have never accepted myself, I don't like who I am.
And there you have it.
The whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.
Yes. Please. Help me God.
We may know the truth of who God says we are, and we may know that others love and accept us.
But we can never accept others until we accept ourselves.
We can't truly love others until we love ourselves.
Flaws and all.
We can't give what we don't have.
That is kind of where I'm at.
I'm a bit of perfectionist, I'm always trying to improve myself, and yes, others.
I'm extremely critical of myself, and secretly of others, though to a far lesser degree.
And it irks me.
God used the book The Bluebird and the Sparrow by Janette Oke to bring this self realization crashing into my heart.
All the way through the book the main character, Berta, drove me crazy.
I got upset with her, and thought she was being stupid and irrational about many things,
making bad decisions out of pain that ultimately resulted in more pain.
In spite of this, I could really identify with some of her feelings and coping mechanisms...
her hurts and how she molded her life and herself based on those wounds.
It was just what I needed to hear.
Amazing how He knows that, isn't it?
Truly, I love writing.
Writing is a release and a way of expressing what I can't say with my tongue.
So I'll keep blogging because I want to write. 
Even if no one ever reads it.
I'm restraining myself from re-reading over this post, rewriting it, nitpicking here,
deleting there, because frankly, perfectionism is exhausting.
And besides, this is more of a raw post.
It isn't perfect, I didn't labor hours over the wording and grammar.
As I work, with God's help, to accept myself, just as I am, I think I will learn to accept that too.


  1. Brave and beautiful to be so honest. I just found your blog yesterday and after hopping around to a few of your posts I knew I should come back here and start from the beginning. I'll work my way through all of them because I want to hear what you have to say. I hope you continue to be real and always like yourself. My first impression has been that you are definitely someone worth liking and listening to.

    1. Wow. Thank you, Marilyn. I'm truly honored and blessed by your thoughtful words. It tickles me pink that you are reading through my archives- thank you! I know that is an investment of time and energy, and I think it is awesome that you would spend it here with me. :)

  2. I also just began reading your blog about a week ago . I am going from the first post trying to catch up.
    Do what you enjoy and write about what fills you with joy. I will continue to read because we have similar intrest even if I am probably old enough to be your mom. lol
    You are a beautiful young lady who is following her heart and Jesus.
    Who cares what PEOPLE think!
    Your blog name is what drew me in, and I am so glad I stoped to read.
    I have 2 blogs www.garnergirl-Loree.blogspot.com & the new one www.goldendeed.blogspot.com
    The first one has about 10 followers and the second one has none. But I am putting it out there for the world to stumble uppon in hopes someone will decide to follow along as I serve others in Jesus name.

    1. Yes, great advice and exactly how I decided to approach this blog shortly after this post- just write about what I enjoy. Haha- yes, who cares what people think. :) I admit, much easier said than done- as a first born prone towards perfection and performance-based, that will always be a thorn in my side that I have to continually counteract with God's truth. It keep me dependent on Him! :)

      Thank you for reading through my posts and leaving such encouraging comments! I'm glad you found me and plan to stick around. After checking out your blogs, and learning about how much you love the Civil War Era, I think you might really be interested in my friend's blog- The Story of a Seamstress- she had a Civil War wedding, reenacts, sews historical clothing, and even lives in a log cabin that her husband built!! You can find her button on my side bar. :)


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